Guilt
by Darkness's Angel
Summary: Not RHR. The only thing she wishes, the only thing she regrets, is that fact that it’s not him, the fact that it was never him.


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Guilt

Summary: The only thing she wishes, the only thing she regrets, is that fact that it's not him, the fact that it was never him.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

She feels guilt. That's all there is too it. She wishes that it would go away, but its always there to remind her of what she can not do. She wishes she could sometimes, wishes that she could make him happy, and love him the way he does her, but she can't.

Sometimes she pretends it's not there, secretly hoping that maybe he'll pretend it's not there too, that maybe he won't love her like she knows he does. She silently prays he lets his love for her go, because she knows that she can not return it, that she can not give him her heart. For even if she could, it would never be her whole heart, for she gave a piece of it away when she was eleven years old, and ever since has been adding to it.

She sometimes catches the looks he gives her out of the corner of her eye. She chooses not to acknowledge them, for it would only make him feel worse, and make her feel more guilty. She knows there is nothing she can do for him, but wishes with all her might there was.

Sometimes she lays awake, trying to figure out why he loves her so. There really isn't anything that special about her, nothing that can really make him want her, with the exception that she is his best friend's girl . She knows she's smart, but since when does that count for anything? She doesn't think she very pretty. She can name quite a few who are prettier than she, like Lavender, or Cho, yet he loves her anyway.

She never wanted to be the object of his affection, for she knew it would have devastating effects. Their friendship is a sliver of what it once was, and she blames herself for it. She pretends that she has no idea, but she knows, she's always known.

It hurts her to think about it, and the thought of her best friend's unrequited love only ever really invades her mind when she is happy. Ironic, is it not? Sometimes, when she is sitting alone with Harry, and he holds her in a sweet embrace, where there is no other place she'd rather be, Ron enters her mind.

She doesn't think it is fair, that she should be happy, yet he is not. But she knows she can never give him the one thing that would end his misery, the one thing that would give him happiness, the only thing he wants, she can not give him her heart. It is not really hers anymore to give. She had already given it to someone, and it is too late.

She thinks about how different things would have been if she had fallen for Ron instead of Harry. The thing is though, she can not really picture a valid description of what that might be like. She wonders if Harry had never entered her life, would she had fallen for her other best friend, giving him the happiness he wanted so much, and deserved.

She somehow knows that was never meant to happen, Ron and herself. It would have never worked, for they are too different, and it would only ruin things later on.

She knows it hurts him when she says she loves him, because he knows it's only like a brother. She knows how jealous he is when he over hears her say how much she loves Harry, because he knows it's more than friendship. She knows how angry he gets, when she smiles at Harry, because she doesn't smile the same way for him. She knows how depressed he gets, when ever he sees them together.

She wishes she could control his emotions, if only for a day. If only for a day she could make him feel happy, without the extra pain of knowing she'll never be his, she'd do it. But she can not control his emotions, she can not even control her own.

She's sitting down in the Common Room now, thinking of everything. She looks up, and sees him making his way towards her. He sits down next to her, and looks at her face. She gazes at the already burnt out fire. They are silent for a few moments, then she decides to break it. "Things are different now," she states, "Aren't they?"

"Yeah," was his only reply. She breathes regularly once she know his eyes are off her. He puts his head in his hands, trying effortlessly to rid himself of the dreams he has, his dreams of her.

She watches him now, it's her turn. She leans over, and takes one of his hands. He looks at her, confused, then stares at their hands. He opens his mouth to speak, but she silences him with her other hand. "I'm sorry, "she says, "I sorry it was never you." She looks down, and removes her hand from his, feeling his gaze upon her.

He stares at her, and sees the emotions raining in her eyes, and a new emotion burns within him: Guilt. Guilt for the fact he made her feel like this, guilt for the fact he subjected his best friends to his self-pity, and guilt for the fact that he feels the way he does.

They say no more, and she stands up, casting one more look at her best friend, she walks up the stairs to her room. He does not watch her go.

The next morning, she smiles brightly as she sees her boyfriend waiting for her. He pulls her into an embrace, then kisses her lightly before letting her go. She looks from him to ahead of her, and sees her other best friend. For a moment she sees an emotion flicker in his eyes, then it's gone. She tilts her head to the side, her eyes pleading her unvoiced question, but he does not seem to notice. The three walk in silence to the Great Hall, and just as Ron passes her to enter, he whispers the answer to her unasked question.

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There is nothing to forgive.

And for the first time, she does not feel depressed, for the first time she does not feel pity, for the first time she actually smiles a real smile, for the first time, the burden within her is now lifted, for the first time guilt is gone.

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Author's Note - This was written for another friend of mine that I had no idea was going through something until a few days ago, but then again maybe, subconsciously, I was just not acknowledging that something was actually there. In case you got confused, the girl is Hermione, her boyfriend is Harry, and the one that can not have her is Ron. Please review and let me know what you thought!


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